let's pick apart my brain

i come to you sitting in the bed that harvests more comfort than imaginable
it is here that i find peace
sleep would come instantly

my eyes are burning and my head is aching for me to sleep
but i just want to sit and think and lurk
i want to feel and relax while awake

i am presently dominated by exhaustion



god dammmit
i want to share words
but i'm afraid to type them
for that is a considerable form of admitting i actually thought them
so i'll pretend i never did
and forget again
and leave this little inkling to remember not to forget to forget
and yes, i duplicated those words on purpose

one day
some day
dreams will become reality
and i'll be thankul
and if they never do
i'll continue to dream
until my bones nurture the earth
'cause that's all i got left
to nurture myself
my dreams
they hold me through
i am somewhat satisfied with dreams
they allow me to control something
to hope anything could be that right
for i am too often wrong

farewell
i must let my dreams carry me away
to that place where i desire to be perpetually,
to the fictional paradise i have created,
to my mental home,
to my peace,
to sleep.
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This weather is so contradictory
The ground is cover in orange hued leaves
But the breeze is nothing short of warm

I like to step on these crunchy little lies
So I can hear them crunch as I leave them behind me on my path
It's a pity they must be considEred a beautiful little lie

Maybe that's why america is so corrupt
The ground we walk on is cluttered with deception

dearest you

there is nothing more i desire than the feeling of the nook created by your neck
it is the sweetest escape; like a roller coaster of tootsie rolls
i wish i could cascade down a hill of fall tinted leaves
and all my troubles and worries would escape me as i scream with laughter
i wish access to he slanted roof tops was available, for i would love to lie across the and and wish endlessly upon all the stars i encounter

dearest you

i wish you'd come from hiding
i yearn for the comfort your eyes provide
and the sweet melody of your voice
i wish there was an alternate universe where
my idealistic notions about you can truly exist
come near
my heart is pounding so hard of excitement
that my thoughts are being throbbed out of my head

your fictitious, and hopefully foreshadowed being,
allows my heart to hope, my mind to explore, and my being to be nurtured
you're my ever wish upon a star,
my only desire when i pull the larger part of a chicken bone,
the solitary, considerable want i crave when i catch an eyelash,
and the positive meaning in every romantic fortune cookie

i'll keep my hopes up until you appear
and until then

i bid you temporary adue

"Absence

On the scales of desire, your absence weighs more
than someone else’s presence, so I say no thanks

to the woman who throws her girdle at my feet,
as I drop a postcard in the mailbox and watch it

throb like a blue heart in the dark. Your eyes
are so green – one of your parents must be

part traffic light. We’re both self-centered,
but the world revolves around us at the same speed.

Last night I tossed and turned inside a thundercloud.
This morning my sheets were covered in pollen.

I remember the long division of Saturday’s
pomegranate, a thousand nebulae in your hair,

as soldiers marched by, dragging big army bags
filled with water balloons, and we passed a lit match,

back and forth, between our lips, under an oak tree
I had absolutely nothing to do with.

Jeffrey McDaniel "



i think the only appropriate adjective to describe his poems is amazing.
this is the first time i've ever connected with a writer so much that i couldn't stop reading their work- not solely because i enjoyed it, but also because i can relate so well with his words!

i'm speechless

"But one kiss levitates above all the others. The
intersection of function and desire. The I do kiss.
The I'll love you through a brick wall kiss.
Even when I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth,
like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your bones. "

"...But I worked
within the confines of my character, cast

as the bad boy in your life, the Magellan
of your dark side. We don't have a past so much
as a bunch of electricity and liquor, power

never put to good use. What we had together
makes it sound like a virus, as if we caught
one another like colds, and desire was merely

a symptom that could be treated with soup
and lots of sex. Gliding beside you now,
I feel like the Benjamin Franklin of monogamy,

as if I invented it, but I'm still not immune
to your waterfall scent, still haven't developed
antibodies for your smile. I don't know how long

regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light

of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing

into each other's ears—as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate. I'm sorry all the kisses

I scrawled on your neck were written
in disappearing ink. Sometimes I thought of you
so hard one of your legs would pop out

of my ear hole, and when I was sleeping, you'd press
your face against the porthole of my submarine.
I'm sorry this poem has taken thirteen years

to reach you. I wish that just once, instead of skidding
off the shoulder blade's precipice and joyriding
over flesh, we'd put our hands away like chocolate

to be saved for later, and deciphered the calligraphy
of each other's eyelashes, translated a paragraph
from the volumes of what couldn't be said. "


if my internet was running better i'd post all my favorite excerpts from the 36 poems i read today
but that'll have to do.

how small the troubles of today are in comparison with the potential problems the future holds
what is bothering you right now will certainly be forgotten soon
and will never be remembered when you're rotting
the only things that will impact your life as of the late are the handful of people who won't leave your side, the life changing decisions you make, and the major events that occur along the way.

i think i'm on a path that is slightly obscure
it's like i'm driving down a foggy road, for my window is almost completely shaded and i'm blindly steering, hoping with all my might i don't hit something or die
i don't know where i'm heading or what will occur on any path i embark on
nothing feels too right, and i only know what feels wrong through making mistakes

that;s how they always said we needed to learn- but i don't like wasting time
i look at the life i live and wonder when i lost my mojo
i see who i am compared to who i portray and it is sad to see that the two do not correlate as they should. i am a walking facade, looking for a way to branch out

i wasn't made for this
but how can i say that when i have no idea what i was made for?
as i sit and think, my face becomes numb
my eyes are sinking lower then they ever have
i sleep but i never slumber, for i am incapable
what is home
what is being
what is my presence
cause i'm not presence
i'm simply lingering.

i'm numb
truly and whole heartedly numb
i think that's why i've been praying for a human meant for me for so long
i rely on other means to feel
music
people
events
but the simple pleasures aren't doing it for me anymore

there is an absence of compassion, of care, of want, of anything...really in my being
i want to use the word love so badly
but i just cannot put my faith in something so empty anymore
i forsee myself growing old by myself
and it's okay with me
people disappoint
and i'd rather disappoint myself then anyone else do it for me

sing to be sweetly, dear
pick the melody that hits home
i know you will make things clear
please don't let me stay alone

learn my mind and its workings
it's the ultimate confusion, i know
i swear you'll be above other things
just give me the hope that i need to go

eternal
back of the neck?

scary as well
i am a wreck, i think this just pushed me over the edge. fuck i dont know what to do with myself.

Maybe so. The power of college life I'm accepting of but not so much the power of this place, of typicality, of these people. Adjusting is something I am slightly opposed to because as soon as I do, my heart breaks. New orleans is the home I've always known. It's broken me, revitalized me, and out me back together and now I'm without it. I'm truly int own, for the beings in my life are as permanent as hair dye. Let that be positive or not I don't know. Nor care to because I am now a sole entity, concerned only about my independent well-being. I have so many things I want to share- ideas and thoughts and happiness and only few people recievethem well. Is this friendship? Is this what they say is the most important thing?

I'm slowly breaking down and nArrowing my strategies . Is life to be dominated or lived? I'm strting to consider the ladder an insurmountable Idea. One only dre
S make true

i love new orleans
and i can't be thrown anywhere else. i love this place
i love this city, i love this environment.

I L O V E T H I S B E D.
what a way to come home- break it off with decadence fest
...i walk onto bourbon in running shorts and converse- sober as hell- and have the BEST TIME
i wonder sometimes what made me want to go to BR?
was the temptation of a place of my own so greatly important to me?
and my roommate situation isn't terrible but i feel so alone in that place
she always has dude and chicks over, she's never able to just hang by herself
and her company makes me realize how so very alone i am and feel
br is not meant for me
but now i have a year lease and i'm not happy about it.

home is where the heart is, t'is a typical cliche
but with my recent nomadic ways,
i don't know where my heart is today

it's probably been a hot minute since the last time i wrote
and if it proves to not be, then it was some random instance of which i realized my neglectful nature and decided to pay some attention to this journal like escape

i suppose i should just go without an introduction but i feel as if the tale is empty of i dont like precede my words with a beginning
consider a story without an intro, prologue, or commencement
being thrusted into something and you're just sitting there in bitter confusement
i suppose i owe it to myself and to any random lurker to begin

college. wild.
living on my own with a kind pal in an apartment just a short bus ride from the campus (LSU)

Political Science, Mass Com, a stupid math class, GenEd Biology, and a boring history
i suppose i coincidentally typed those in an order of preference, the first being my favorite
the last three are on the same level of boring nonsense

anyways what brought me to write today is this:
for my polisci class we were required to read thoreau's essay on civil disobedience
and ultimately i am completely and totally for standing up for what you believe in
but i think homeboy takes disobedience and expectations of disobedience to a wh00o0o0le nother level.
like
he would rather protest and sit in jail and wait around for his message to be heard
and he expects that others who agree to disagree with the government and its policies should to the same
but simpleminded thoreau failed to consider that people have families and ties and need to be able to support themselves and those they love and dont have the spare time or money or eneergy to protest and sit in jail
this is a whole new world we live in. one cannot expect those who are against the government to picket at every waking moment. the world is different now, people have to learn through mistakes in order to have the drive to fix the mess they made
if only it could be as easy to write an essay in jail and change the world
sorry dude, it's politics. a temporary solution for an insoluble problem.
suck on that

surely there is no measuring utensil specifically
designed by science to solve this issue
but what if i hurt others to measure the fear
what if the head count is my answer

my personal measurement of fear is calculated by how much i can inflict
fun flings ha ha ha
they're never operating according to the first word

disposable
always have been,
always will be